Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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