I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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