dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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