Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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