i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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