i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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