I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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