He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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