so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
