Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
