I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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