Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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