so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
