Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's official drugs can't kill me
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
