I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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