you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
