my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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