she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
