so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
