i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
