Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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