Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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