You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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