You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
