saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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