I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
