You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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