I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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