I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
