i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
