after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
