He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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