Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
