After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
