Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
