so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
