Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
