phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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