So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
