I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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