I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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