nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
