Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
