do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
