What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
