I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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