A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
