Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
