Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
