just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
