There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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