I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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