My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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