Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
